To Whom Else Have We To Go?

My prayer has been that He would pour me out of my flesh and fill me with His spirit - that my body would be broken as an offering of Love. He has been answering this prayer- as painful as we both know it is.

This God that I feel so intimate and in love with, this Lord that I am coming to trust more and more, is exposing the very skewed ways in which I see Him. I am realizing really for the first time that I experience dissapointment. Alot. Even in small things. Deep down inside there is this part of me that sees Jesus as not wanting to give me good things- things that I desire-legitimate things. It is almost as if I see Him dangling something in front of my face as someone would with a kitten, and then pulling it back when I jump for it.

This puts me in the mindset of, “well, why want this anyway, because I will not get it”. That type of attitude. Basically, it is not believing that He knows what is best for me, but even deeper than that, not trusting His Love for me. The challenge for me is instead of pulling back from the Lord and passively deciding not to pray for things with expectancy in fear of dissapointment, I must press into Him even harder with everything I have. Risk something not turning out the way I want it to. When a woman is giving birth and she has contractions, she does not pull back, she pushes harder, and the result of that is life-giving.

To be honest, realizing this dissapointment I have breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. Funny how even though Jesus is the one I am struggling with, I can’t not lay myself at His feet and I cannot make it through a single moment without Him.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 6th, 2006 at 11:50 am and is filed under happenings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.