Time of Rest
| This year of rest is something I would have never expected. I am expected to be off the waiting list and into Nursing School next August. A woman told me yesterday that I might actually get in this coming January. I have always felt guilty when I feel like I am not accomplishing something useful. It is like I have this fear of people catching me relaxing. I think it is because growing up my mom started getting really depressed when I was about seven and she would just sit on the couch and this would upset my dad. So I always worked pretty hard to not dissapoint my dad. I do not think I have unrealistic expectations for myself, but I assume everyone else does. The Lord knows I need to get over this false humility and so He is giving me a year of waiting. There is nothing I need to be doing right now and this has not happened probably in all my life.
So what exactly does it look like to rest and feel okay with it? I love relaxing in my room by myself listening to music and doing some type of art. I am now starting to really love to read. I love exercising. When I was just chilling today I all of the sudden got this burst of urgency about being somewhere and then realized I did not have to be anywhere at all. Where is the Lord in this? He is calling me to sit with Him at His table so we can talk. This is what I was made for. It is very cool getting to really experience this for the first time, without all the one million distractions. God is so good for teaching me this. This pain is forcing me to change and I can feel myself breathing out Jessica and breathing in the Holy Spirit. |