To Whom Else Have We To Go?

I was watching some people throwing bread into the lake today. They were feeding a small crowd of turtles, ducks, and catfish the size of a grown human torso. I loved how incredibly amused these people were and how feeding these animals pleased the people for a long time and then I realized that I, too, was really enjoying what was going on. Those fish gobbling up that bread were worshipping the Lord.

I wonder if God looks at me like this when I eat. In middle school I hated people watching me eat so I would put my hands over my face whenever I chewed. But I think even then He really liked the way I eat.

It is amusing and sad to me the time I can spend conjuring up worse possible scenarios in my head about something before it even happens. In the imagining process I can decide maybe to NOT do something, even if it is not being true to who God made me to be, for fear of rejection or whatever it may be.

On the last day of school each semester I give my professors a huge hug and tell them how much they mean to me. This class I just finished yesterday is taught by a woman who is definately an evolutionist (head of the bio dept.) and definately does not have a sense of humor. BUT I like her sooo much and I know it is the Lord putting her on my heart. I think she likes me, too. So I had made the decision as I was finishing my exam that I was not going to hug her. I turned in my exam and I thanked her and before I knew it I had grabbed her and was hugging her. The amazing this is that she made the hug a two-way connection almost immediately, as if she had been waiting for it. She did not let go for a good seven seconds and I had this thought that maybe she has not really been touched EVER.

Her demeanor had softened after the hug and I am so glad I just was myself because I would have really missed out. It really all boils down to just trusting God. If He made me like this why would I try to act unaccordingly? I guess it is like Paul where he does what he does not want to do and he does not do what he wants to do. We need Jesus. This is a Good thing.

As my feet step foward, I feel the weight of Egypt behind me,
Summoning me, like a lover in a doorway, one whom I have known before.
His voice is so familiar- piercing and sheepish;
He knows the time of day I will be passing by.
I look down at my feet; A little girl with painted toes and anxious legs;
My eyes gaze before me towards my Lord. A smile spreads across my lips.
The pressure like the pumping of a heart is drawing me
from behind, rhythmically, relentlessly,
My soft smile begins to fade as my eyes flicker behind me;
Egypt offers me a warm cup to drink,
feathered robes and incense;
But my veil has already been sewn, so long ago by the one I love;
The Blood of the Lamb, it covers me,
The Voice of my Husband, it strengthens me;
Far better are His marvelous strains
Than a lukewarm bath in quiet oblivion.

It has been amazing walking in true grace for the first time in my life. Interrupting old cycles that are harmful and futile. So normally when something happens, for instance, say I get aggravated with someone who is being very lazy. The Holy Spirit reminds me that I have a choice: 1. I could see my actions as uncaring and unreasonable and get down on myself and gloss over it, or, 2. I could ask myself, “hm, I notice this is a pattern with me, Lord, what is going on here??”. I can then allow the Lord to work and sift through my heart. I picture the latter as me lying on the surgeon’s table with my arms totally relaxed down away from my sides and allowing Jesus to cut and probe. My tendency is to slap his hand the moment I see the blade approaching. But Glory to God that He is calling me out of ultimate fear!!
Annnd by His grace I have been able to practice this with almost everything that comes my way, and I tell you I am seeing through different eyes. To me, this is part of what Paul talks about in Ephesians when he refers to “to put off your old self…to be made new in the attitude of your minds”(Eph4:23). So instead of copping out and just asking Jesus to make it all better, I realize that I have to show Him that I am serious about taking up this cross. The word that has been on my heart is “courage”.

Courage.

Jesus, I ask that you would make the dark places in our hearts visible with your light. Our hearts belong to You, so we ask you to come and claim what it Yours. I ask that You would give us strength and be our guide. You say to those of us who have fallen asleep in you, “wake up, o sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Search us, Lord, and know our hearts. See if there is any offensive way in us and lead us in the way everlasting. I love you. In Your blood we come, Amen.

A very important thing that the Lord revealed to me this weekend is that if I chose to continue living in fear of conflict and taking risks that I am going to live a life stuck in survival mode instead of the abundant. This hit me pretty hard, and needless to say, He kept widdling me down further and further until my fears were totally exposed. I am tired of hiding and I am very tired of pretending to be the nicest, sweetest person you will ever meet. So I am letting down my guards and exposing the fact that I am fearful and my intentions alot of the time are very screwed up and I definately do not have it all together. And it feels really, really good..

Sooo, starting two days ago, I am taking the risk of confronting people when it is appropriate and taking the risk of allowing myself to really be known. I want to live the life uncommon and partner with Jesus actively instead of just sitting on the sidelines and I want to run hard and love deeply.

Afterall, “your love can only be as big as you are willing to hurt.” -Ennio Salucci 

I had an amazing revelation of God’s Love for me today. I was exercizing listening to a song and the song sang, “You set me free the day you died for me”…and I was struck in my chest with the thought, “There is now No Condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”. I feel like I got a glimpse of what this really means.

I asked the Lord, “Wait, no condemnation?” He replied, “No condemnation”

“No condemnation for not telling the pizza man that You love him?”….”No condemnation”

“Wait, so like, no condemnation for judging my friend today?”….”You repented, and there is no condemnation.”

I gasped.. “No condemnation for wanting to be married?”….”Definately no condemnation.”

Then I got a picture of me being at a jail negotiating with the officers. I was telling the officer that I will do whatever I can to pay the debt of my crime. The officer looked confused and told me, “Honey, your debt has already been paid, what are you still doing here??”

Lord, You are so sweet. Your love is safer than the truest father and more tender than the dearest mother. You should be the joy of every heart and the praise of every tongue. Thank You for dying for us- a people who are selfish and ungrateful. I am such an Israelite and You still pursue me with Your Love. I yearn to be with You where you are.

In Physiology class yesterday morning, my table was learning how to use the computer as an EKG. I was amazed that when we opened the program, instead of the program starting, there seemed to be a glitch, and the only thing that showed on the screen was “Mark 5″ in about a size 12 font stacked diagonally down from left to right down the entire screen. My spirit leaped within me and I wanted to grab my Bible but the Holy Spirit told me to wait.

I got home and looked at Mark 5 and read where it talks about when Jesus went to go heal the sick little girl and on His way out the hemmorhaging woman touched His cloak, hoping that with just one touch of Him she could be healed. Sure enough she was healed and Jesus told her,  “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your affliction.” After reading this I heard the words “praying in faith and with expectancy“. This is just what I needed from the Lord, for He has been shaking my entire world with prayer lately. Persistent prayer is how I get to know Him and the only way to obtain the love of Christ, getting rid of my weak and self-seeking fleshly love. And in turn, His love will flow out of me and people without shepherds will know His Love.. YES!!!!!This is a time of being in a cacoon of prayer. It has been so sweet with the Lord, though, and this is something that cannot be taken away.

I was sitting at the dining part of Central Market today and overheard a four year old boy and his parents talking at the table next to me. The dad was asking his son about school that day and the little boy replied, “I am going to count to three and you had better be finished with your sandwich.”