To Whom Else Have We To Go?

Wow, so it is finally here. Three and a half years of working to get into nursing school at it has finally arrived. Almost feels like a dream. Today was a meeting that one of the teachers held to answer questions and prepare us. Plus, we got to talk with some of the women from Levels 2, 3, and 4. I talked to a girl going into Level 2 and she told me, “if I had known how difficult nursing school was going to be before I went in, I would not have done it.” This did not scare me as much as it made me think about God’s grace. He is keeping from me right now what is going to be like because He knows I would not be able to handle it. But I also know that He WILL give me just the right amount of grace for each day for the next two years. I am just really praying for myself and my family and especially Daniel that God would make an adventure out of this time as apposed to just fighting to make it through. It will be such a new experience for all of us…

From listening to Mike Bickel talk tonight on God’s love for us and our love for Him, there was one thing that really stuck out to me and jabbed me pretty hard. He was saying that it is a mistake for a believer to say that God “is revealing my rebellion”. I know I say this alot, and when I hear other people say it, I say to myself, “wow, they are so humble!”…but Mike was saying that we are not rebellious, but instead we are lovers of God who struggle with sin. We are not rebels - we are immature. If someone has completely rejected God and is going their own path, then that would be rebellion.  So what I noticed is that when I say I am rebellious then my heart closes off. So I am trying to shift this accusation to recognizing the truth which is simply that I am immature. And this is okay because God is enjoying me through the maturing process. 

The Lord called me into a sweet time of communion tonight. Each time I take communion I feel like I understand a little bit more of why Jesus came to die for us. Even as being a believer the cross and resurrection are still so incredibly mysterious to me. Tonight, though, I think I was given revelation of God’s mercy because as humans we have fallen miserably short, but Christ came to restore relationship between fallen man and God. Yeah, I know, it sounds simple, but knowing something in your head vs. it penetrating into your heart are two very different things. I pray that this would sink into my heart even more. But communion is such an intimate time with Jesus that I really take for granted. I forget that I can come to this table and remember and believe and to draw strength from Him. Makes me realize how much I need Him for sure!

I am reminded again today and brought to my knees of just how desperately need the Lord. In all of my relationships, He is teaching me how to Love as He Loves. He is showing me how to have compassion and build up in times where I could so easily take everything personally. He is showing me how to break past myself to get through to people and to touch them with the grace that He has already extended to me. There is no one like Jesus. There never has been and there never will be. SOmeone so pure and holy yet completely powerful and just.

Everything else in this world that I put my hope in ends up as dissapointment. He is the solid rock that we will always have to stand on. And not only that, but He gives us strength and grace to do His will in all the right times. SO I can always go to His communion table to draw strength and love from Him.

When I Say I’m a Christian
by Maya Angelou

When I say….”I am a Christian”
I’m not shouting “I’m clean livin.’”
I’m whispering, “I was lost,
Now I’m found and forgiven.”

When I say….”I am a Christian”
I don’t speak of this with pride.
I’m confessing that I stumble
And need Christ to be my guide.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not trying to be strong.
I’m professing that I’m weak
And need his strength to carry on.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not bragging of success.
I’m admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I’m worth it.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not holier than thou,
I’m just a simple sinner
Who received God’s grace somehow!

David Brainerd was an American missionary who was born in the early 1700’s. I was in Kansas City this past week at a conference held by the International House of Prayer (affectionately called IHOP). Someone told me there was coffee down in the basement bookstore and I went down there and there was no coffee, but amongst thousands of other books, I found this book on David Brainerd. I had heard about Brainerd last year and he caught my attention because I was told he was called by God into the native american tribes to preach the gospel (keep in mind this is in the early 1700’s). What I was NOT told, though, last year about this man is that he was incredibly broken and humble always before the Lord. Most of his daily entries show him gasping for air to know God more. But I just cannot get over this man because he was not a superchristian AT ALL. This is part of an entry from when he was 22 years old:

“Sometimes I grew remiss and sluggish, without any great convictions of sin, for a considerable time together; but after such a season, convictions seized me more violently. One night I remember, in particular, when i was walking solitarily abroad, I had opened to me such a view of my sin that I feared the ground would cleave asunder under my feet and become my grave; and would send my soul quick into hell, before I could get home.”

In his life he was either completely stricken with grief by his own sin and the emptiness of this world, or he was ravished by God, responding to Jesus’ sweet wooings toward him. David wanted nothing more than to do God’s will and be with his Lord. David ended up going into the native american tribes for three years and then died at 29 of tb. Brainerd is one who ushers lost sheep into the Kingdom of God and as I read about him i want more and more for my heart to be transformed into the likeness of Christ. Amen.

I am learning how to receive comfort from Jesus. There are times growing up - places I have felt abandoned, that have been too painful to reminisce and reflect on. But the woman who is discipling me spent some time with me asking the Holy Spirit to guide me back to specific times I felt abandoned and to show me where Jesus was in these times. One instance the Holy Spirit led me back to was shortly after my parents divorced and I was left with distant cousins on Easter. I was sitting on the swings alone feeling incredibly insecure and clutching onto my stuffed bunny. The Lord showed me that He was right beside me and He was looking after me and He was actually comforting me with His words. So I received His comfort.  Now I cannot think back to that moment without seeing Jesus there and feeling comforted. This sounds simple and matter-of-fact, but this process is actually time-consuming and incredibly emotionally draining. But its the kind that leads to utter peace. Real peace - resting in the everlasting arms of God.
Jesus really does want us to receive His comfort. I always want to build up my own wall of protection, which is flimsy and poorly-constructed instead of just receiving His protection and comfort. His is far better.

I had the joy of getting to go back home this past weekend to see daddio and Alex. I just love them so much. Saturday night dad cooked his gourmet food for us and then we all cuddled up and watched some old home videos on the giant pull-down screen he has. I think I was reminded this weekend how much I am like my dad - actually, I am a perfectly blended hybrid between my mom and dad. My dad and I both sometimes have a hard time allowing ourselves to be known by people. But I like that he is way more extraverted and crazy than me. He is a total otter-lion. I think Alex is just pure otter.

We went to this church on Sunday called Fellowship of the Woodlands and I could just feel myself placing judgements on it before even going simply because it is large and televised. But the Lord humbled me alot. The teaching was really convicting. It was about tithing…and I have heard many sermons on this since I have come to know the Lord, but it was this time where it went straight to my heart and knocked the wind out of me. All of the children in the church had been saving their money for several weeks and 1/3 of them (which is still like a thousand) went up and joyfully gave their offerings before us. This went on for about 20 minutes - it was so powerful and humbling. The money I give back to God was given to me in the first place by Him and this is actually a very wise investment considering it is going toward furthering God’s kingdom. I had not actually realized this before yesterday.
My dad drove us after church to a place we could not have recognized because we had to close our eyes as we drove there. When I opened my eyes, I just saw all these buildings that looked like very large trailer homes. There were men of all ages sitting on the porches of these buildings smoking cigarettes and/or playing banjo…”So, where are we, kids??”, asks father…um, I don’t know, actually…but then I looked over and saw the three-story tree house my dad had built when I was a child. Then my heart sunk. We were at my childhood home…and the house was still there, but the 3 acres now supported extra buildings. My old house was now a half-way house for alcoholic men who have been sent away by their familes to get better and alcohol-free. I had to go in the house because this house was in my dream two nights prior. The man let me and I just felt so overwhelmed. This house was a huge deal because it was the last house we all lived in together before my parents divorced and mom died. It was the last house we lived in before mom started to go crazy. In the dream a few days ago, I went back into my room of this house and the closet was full of all my mom’s clothes. In the dream I ran to the closet and wrapped myself in all the hanging clothes and just cried for a long time because I miss her. When we were actually there visiting yesterday, I could not go into my room because a man was in there sleeping.

Something that broke my heart was the reality that the treehouse that I remember running miles and miles away out from the house to was only actually about 100 yards away from the house. When I was little I would run out there to be by myself and as a tiny child it seemed so freeing and like i would have to run forever to get there. It wasn’t the case. I did notice around the house were all these notes tacked to the wall that reminded us that God is in control of our lives and a real man carries the attributes of Christ. This was really cool to me. I am glad they are using the house to lead people to bring Hope to these precious men.