To Whom Else Have We To Go?

I was watching some people throwing bread into the lake today. They were feeding a small crowd of turtles, ducks, and catfish the size of a grown human torso. I loved how incredibly amused these people were and how feeding these animals pleased the people for a long time and then I realized that I, too, was really enjoying what was going on. Those fish gobbling up that bread were worshipping the Lord.

I wonder if God looks at me like this when I eat. In middle school I hated people watching me eat so I would put my hands over my face whenever I chewed. But I think even then He really liked the way I eat.

I was reading in Samuel and discovered he was really in touch with God’s grieving heart for the people who were wading in sin and not even concerned in the least about it. Eli’s two sons were behaving very wickedly and Eli was soft with them. This is for sure still going on today.  Divorce is rampant in the church and so are secret affairs and kiddos doped up on smack.

God gave Samuel a vision that judgement was coming upon these “religious”, backslidden people. Samuel was afraid to tell Eli this vision, but he could not help but share it, which is wonderful. I love how Samuel was in tune with God’s heart to not put up with godliness without holiness. That man did grieve.

I have been thinking about this lately because the Lord keeps bringing up to my face that He is calling me to deep intercession and a hunger for righteousness. I have to be honest, I have been fighting this. I think it is because I get some altitude on the situation and I picture myself being really morose and grieved all the time and downcast in spirit and to me this seems depressing.

But what I am finding is that with this grief comes joy. Ironic?? In grieving over sin with the heart of God, He is going to honor you with His constant presence. Like with Habakkuk, “Though all else fails, my heart will rejoice in God alone.” David also really hungered for the Lord and he definately shared in God’s grief and knew it resulted in rejoicing.

I was also thinking about how the Son of Man came to be a servant, rather than to be served. He did not come as this mighty warrior with a metal breastplate and a gigantic sword. He was humble. So I do not feel like His heart is for us to be this mighty committee that is going to plow through the earth kicking butt and taking names. He wants humble children, because He is humble. Praying and fasting. Daily eating the body of Christ. YUM!!

God is just way too freaking cool. He is not satisfied with mediocre and He does not let His children settle for mediocrity. Lord, please help us to not turn our faces away when we see sin. Give us discerning spirits and make us humble. Give us a hunger that leads us to the prayer closet to share in your grief and to the body of Christ to share Your Joy.

The other day I was dropping off some decorations at this church called Glad Tidings and I noticed they had a prayer garden. As I was out there, I ended up finding this particular rock with this engraved into it:

“I looked for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found none.” Ezekiel 22:30

This has been haunting my spirit. I was thinking about how we are going to have the greatest Judgement come upon the earth. It’s all going to be justified in that moment. Revelation 6 talks about “the kings of the earth, the rich, the mighty, and every slave are going to run away to the mountains and scream, ‘Hide us from the face of him who sits on the throne and from the wrath of the Lamb!!’, for His great day of wrath has come. Who is able to stand?”

I know what kind of a person God is looking for. He is looking for someone who has iron in their spirit whom He can entrust with the treasures and the knowlege of God. Someone who is consumed with love for the Lord and stripped of all pride and worldly ambition. Wasits guarded and lamps a’burnin. This is a person who will be a shadetree for many and bring lots of people into safety in that hour. And they will stand in the gap for the nations.

We have got to get a sobriety in our spirits. Father, we do need You very desperately. We actually need you every millisecond. Would you train our arms for battle and expose drunkenness? Fill us with Your Reality, Jesus. Raise up your children and strengthen us in our innerman so that we could be able to stand for You.

It is amusing and sad to me the time I can spend conjuring up worse possible scenarios in my head about something before it even happens. In the imagining process I can decide maybe to NOT do something, even if it is not being true to who God made me to be, for fear of rejection or whatever it may be.

On the last day of school each semester I give my professors a huge hug and tell them how much they mean to me. This class I just finished yesterday is taught by a woman who is definately an evolutionist (head of the bio dept.) and definately does not have a sense of humor. BUT I like her sooo much and I know it is the Lord putting her on my heart. I think she likes me, too. So I had made the decision as I was finishing my exam that I was not going to hug her. I turned in my exam and I thanked her and before I knew it I had grabbed her and was hugging her. The amazing this is that she made the hug a two-way connection almost immediately, as if she had been waiting for it. She did not let go for a good seven seconds and I had this thought that maybe she has not really been touched EVER.

Her demeanor had softened after the hug and I am so glad I just was myself because I would have really missed out. It really all boils down to just trusting God. If He made me like this why would I try to act unaccordingly? I guess it is like Paul where he does what he does not want to do and he does not do what he wants to do. We need Jesus. This is a Good thing.

I have been practicing being honest with people. Already it has brought so much depth to my relationships with people. When I came home today from the clinic meeting, as I was heading upstairs my mom told me to let her know when I was ready to pray with her (we had planned on praying this morning but she had to leave). I took my 30-minute alone time away from people to recharge and then I went in her room on the floor and put some worship music on. The only reason I went in there is because their room houses the only working stereo in the house.

I was just spending time alone with the Lord and she came in and turned the music waaaay down and said, “Let’s pray.” I got upset and normally I would try to shrug it off or push it down, but instead I told her that it really hurt me that she just came in and bombarded my alone time with the Lord and how it bothers me alot when people sever violently into my meditation time.

She got defensive a little and explained she thought I was waiting for her. Then I felt defensive because I felt like she was devaluing my feelings. FINALLY, when I appolgized for assuming she was just being a jerk by turning off the music, THAT hurt her. Wow.

So finally we prayed together and Jesus came with His mighty spirit and mended our hearts. She told me that marriages often start to become bitter when there is miscommunication and no one speaks truth. So even though the whole situation was very painful and emotionally exausting, in the end it was definately worth it. It made our relationship less shallow. It really did humor me because we are both very sensitive women. I think these kinds of things take alot longer when you have two sensitive people.

I really do love Catholic people. I looove mexican people and latin americans and have loved them ever since I was a tiny child. There is a hispanic woman that comes into my clinic who wears a cross. I was back in the therapy room taking care of her and asked her how she was doing and I was able to get her to admit she was upset. She then started telling me about how scared she is in life and I asked her if I could pray for her. She gave me permission and after I prayed she did the whole “Father, Son, Holy spirit”, making a cross on the forehead and shoulders with her finger. I asked her if she knew Jesus and I could tell by how she spoke she really respects Him but does not know Him at all.

I have noticed this about alot of catholic people. They really do believe Jesus is the messiah, but they know nothing about a relationship with Christ or making disciples of the nations. I love this woman. SHe is my age. I told her my story and about my relationship with God. She said, “REALLY???”. She was completely shocked. She is hungry. She comes in several times a week so we have had a chance to keep talking. She told me no one had ever prayed for her like that before. The humbling part is that I was feeling a little grumpy that part of the day and God still used me.

This is an effective and genuinely authentic way to reach people, I am finding. Sharing your personal story with people and making the gospel as simple to understand as possible. I really think the key is going TO people instead of passing out flyers asking people you have never met to come visit my church. Not that that is a terrible thing. It just does not work in my experience. People need to know we love them and want to engage with them. God will provide opportunities for Truth to be told.

As my feet step foward, I feel the weight of Egypt behind me,
Summoning me, like a lover in a doorway, one whom I have known before.
His voice is so familiar- piercing and sheepish;
He knows the time of day I will be passing by.
I look down at my feet; A little girl with painted toes and anxious legs;
My eyes gaze before me towards my Lord. A smile spreads across my lips.
The pressure like the pumping of a heart is drawing me
from behind, rhythmically, relentlessly,
My soft smile begins to fade as my eyes flicker behind me;
Egypt offers me a warm cup to drink,
feathered robes and incense;
But my veil has already been sewn, so long ago by the one I love;
The Blood of the Lamb, it covers me,
The Voice of my Husband, it strengthens me;
Far better are His marvelous strains
Than a lukewarm bath in quiet oblivion.

It has been amazing walking in true grace for the first time in my life. Interrupting old cycles that are harmful and futile. So normally when something happens, for instance, say I get aggravated with someone who is being very lazy. The Holy Spirit reminds me that I have a choice: 1. I could see my actions as uncaring and unreasonable and get down on myself and gloss over it, or, 2. I could ask myself, “hm, I notice this is a pattern with me, Lord, what is going on here??”. I can then allow the Lord to work and sift through my heart. I picture the latter as me lying on the surgeon’s table with my arms totally relaxed down away from my sides and allowing Jesus to cut and probe. My tendency is to slap his hand the moment I see the blade approaching. But Glory to God that He is calling me out of ultimate fear!!
Annnd by His grace I have been able to practice this with almost everything that comes my way, and I tell you I am seeing through different eyes. To me, this is part of what Paul talks about in Ephesians when he refers to “to put off your old self…to be made new in the attitude of your minds”(Eph4:23). So instead of copping out and just asking Jesus to make it all better, I realize that I have to show Him that I am serious about taking up this cross. The word that has been on my heart is “courage”.

Courage.

Jesus, I ask that you would make the dark places in our hearts visible with your light. Our hearts belong to You, so we ask you to come and claim what it Yours. I ask that You would give us strength and be our guide. You say to those of us who have fallen asleep in you, “wake up, o sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Search us, Lord, and know our hearts. See if there is any offensive way in us and lead us in the way everlasting. I love you. In Your blood we come, Amen.

A very important thing that the Lord revealed to me this weekend is that if I chose to continue living in fear of conflict and taking risks that I am going to live a life stuck in survival mode instead of the abundant. This hit me pretty hard, and needless to say, He kept widdling me down further and further until my fears were totally exposed. I am tired of hiding and I am very tired of pretending to be the nicest, sweetest person you will ever meet. So I am letting down my guards and exposing the fact that I am fearful and my intentions alot of the time are very screwed up and I definately do not have it all together. And it feels really, really good..

Sooo, starting two days ago, I am taking the risk of confronting people when it is appropriate and taking the risk of allowing myself to really be known. I want to live the life uncommon and partner with Jesus actively instead of just sitting on the sidelines and I want to run hard and love deeply.

Afterall, “your love can only be as big as you are willing to hurt.” -Ennio Salucci 

 I have been hanging out in Jeremiah 20 for the past couple days.

“7 O Lord, you deceived me, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed. I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me. 8 Whenever I speak, I cry out proclaiming violence and destruction. So the word of the Lord has brought me insult and reproach all day long. 9 But if I say, “I will not mention him or speak any more in his name,” his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.”

When Jeremiah is talking about the Lord deceiving him, I think he is talking about how when he committed to follow the Lord, he had no idea it was going to be like this - having to proclaim the wrath of God among His people in a time where false prophets were telling the people left and right that God will bring peace. But that part about the Word of God being a fire shut up in his bones…I feel you, brother Jeremiah. I love Jeremiah’s desperation to know and obey God and I have been praying for Jesus to “overpower” me and “prevail” in my heart as well.

On the way home from a ranch last night, I had to drive almost two hours out in the country and i knew there were lots of deer and such that often leap onto cars at night and suck the blood from-no, actually, they just jump on the cars, but I asked the Lord to protect me and He then told me, “I am going to show you I am protecting you”. Knowing this meant I was probably going to hit something yet knowing He keeps his promises, I proceeded to drive another 2 minutes before I hit someone’s family dog. Family dog, Lord??? Yeah, family dog. I slammed on my breaks super super had and ended up hitting the large, old dog. Had I swerved I would have hit oncoming traffic. The Lord takes care of me, for sure. Thanks be to God for His faithfulness!